


The Makeover

by Bolt_DMC



Category: Bolt (2008)
Genre: F/M, Humor, Literature, Makeover, Music, Post-Canon, Suggestive Themes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-15
Updated: 2019-09-15
Packaged: 2020-10-06 08:47:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,746
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20504177
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bolt_DMC/pseuds/Bolt_DMC
Summary: Bolt decides to put his best face forward when Mittens agrees to a bout of passion under one condition. The dog typically takes things too literally, though. Will he manage to achieve a satisfactory tryst with his feline lady love? Primary cultural references include Erle Stanley Gardner's "Perry Mason" stories, the TV shows "Queer Eye" and "The Drew Carey Show" and "RuPaul’s Drag Race," and David Bowie's album "Diamond Dogs."





	The Makeover

**Author's Note:**

> Timeline: September 2012.
> 
> For Jason A.

1.

It was late Sunday morning, and instead of immersing himself in the Erle Stanley Gardner murder mysteries that had occupied his interest recently, Bolt decided to play the lazy couch potato and turn on the television. There wasn't much available besides news programs, NFL pregame shows, infomercials, televised evangelical church services, and an unusually bad crop of movies, so he was watching a "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" retrospective marathon.

"Surprised to see you in here. Thought you’d be riding the ESG mystery express train to the Della Street stop," joked Mittens.

Bolt smiled at the cat’s reference to Perry Mason’s secretary. "Nah, not really hungry for a Hamilton Burger munch right now," he laughed.

"Nice one, Wags!" grinned Mittens as she looked over to see what was on the TV. "Wow, you're really going slumming this morning. Didn't know makeover shows were your style."

"Oh, I dunno," said the shepherd in a lackadaisical tone of voice. "It's actually fun in a guilty pleasure kind of way, like ‘Millionaire Matchmaker’ is. Wanna hop up on the couch and grab a comfy cushion for yourself?"

"Nah," the cat replied. "I'm headed over to the mall with Penny and her mom. There's a new state-of-the-art self-cleaning litter box they wanna buy me at the big discount pet store. Supposed to be the last word in pooping comfort, or so I've been told. They have different sizes of these things, so I gotta be there to make sure they get the right one."

"Okay, have fun, babe," the pooch said earnestly. "Maybe when you get back, we can -- well… you know… "

A suggestive grin crept across Mittens’s face. "Sure, sweetie. Sounds like fun. Just make sure you’ve got your doggy lipstick all ready to go, know what I mean?"

Actually, he didn't, but the little shepherd decided it was something he'd figure out once the cat left. "Sure, whatever you say," he replied.

"It's gonna be crucial to making the most of our time together," declared Mittens. "Anyway, gotta go. Seeya soon, lover boy."

2.

Bolt was now thoroughly confused. "Doggy lipstick?" he said to himself with a perplexed cock of the head. "I don't own any kind of makeup. That stuff's for girls, isn't it? And not even for girl dogs. What on earth did Mittens mean?" He did like the idea of having a tryst with the cat when she returned, though, so the pooch began to ferret out what he thought would be a reasonable approximation of the concept, as if he were master private eye Paul Drake hot on a Perry Mason assignment.

"So, let's see if I can solve ‘The Case of the Latent Lip Gloss’, eh? All right, now -- Penny isn't much for makeup, but her mom sure is. Used to be a singer in high school, and if she's like most singers and actors, she'll have a ton of things like this." The little shepherd headed off for the bathroom that Penny’s mom used and peeked inside. "Aha!" he grinned smugly. "Looks like I might have cracked this caper wide open." Besides the usual soaps, toothbrushes, deodorants, and lotions, it contained a smorgasbord of cosmetics: foundation, eyeliner, eye shadow, eyebrow pencil, mascara, concealer, rouge, and loads of lipstick, among other things.

"Okay, here goes nothing," the pooch said tentatively. He grabbed a tube of lipstick that was a particularly exuberant shade of hot pink and spread it thickly around his mouth. "Ooooh, perfect!" he exclaimed, smacking his lips together.

His interest turned to the other bottles and tubes on the counter. "Hmmm. Maybe I should try some of this, too. Gotta bring my A-game to the table, and if she likes me in lipstick, that’ll go double for me in, uh -- what is this stuff, anyway?" grumbled Bolt, picking up a snap container of dark beige face powder. "All righty, then -- let’s do this."

The little shepherd headed into the study, selected the disc "Diamond Dogs" by David Bowie, and turned on the CD player. He returned to the bathroom, humming along to "Rebel Rebel" as he caked and plastered a generous helping of everything he could find onto his eyes, muzzle, and cheeks. The bathroom mirror was too high up for Bolt to see his reflection, so he'd have to guess at the final result.

"Lipstick, indeed," the pooch said confidently. "She’s gonna love this."

3.

Bolt heard the car drive up and wagged his tail in anticipation. The front door opened and Mittens dashed in ahead of Penny and her mom, who were carrying a large container with the newfangled litter box in it, as well as some groceries and a couple items from the hardware store.

"Wags, where'd you go?" the cat called out.

"In here, Mittens!" the little shepherd replied cheerfully from the study.

The cat strolled in without looking up at first. "So anyway, they got me this new thing to do my business in. It's great, too. Does everything except wipe my… "

It was then that Mittens saw him. Her eyes widened like soccer balls and her mouth dropped open like a trap door before she collapsed on her back, convulsed with hysterical laughter.

The dog frowned in confusion. "What's so funny?" he said, thoroughly surprised.

The cat was laughing so hard she could barely speak. "Oh my… oh my… oh my dog! What… what did you do? You look… you look like you fell muzzle-first into an Avon lady's sample bag!"

Bolt screwed up his face irritably, which only made Mittens laugh harder. "Well, you're the one who said I should have my doggy lipstick in order when you got back. I don't have any lipstick, but I found some in Penny’s mom’s bathroom. And just to make sure, I added a few other things to the mix. That's not what you meant, I take it?"

"No no no no no! That was most… most definitely not what I was referring to," the cat said, still trying without much success to compose herself. "Not… not even close, actually!"

The little shepherd turned his head to the side as a chagrined expression crept across his face. "Do I -- do I really look that silly?" he asked sheepishly.

Mittens pointed to the full-length mirror nearby, still cackling. "Don't take my word for it. Just have a gander for yourself. You'll see."

Bolt hesitantly crept to the other side of the room and gasped when he saw his reflection, as the dense slather of hot pink lipstick around his mouth was the least of the dog’s transgressions against good taste. He had managed to turn his face from its normal white color to a sickly glowing greenish-beige, thanks to a particularly unfortunate combination of foundation, concealer, and face powder. His eyes were heavily circled with dark eyeliner and topped with electric purple eye shadow. A vibrant red blush, courtesy of a generous layer of rouge, graced both his cheeks. His eyelashes stood out in stark black, loaded to the gunwales with mascara. To top it all off, he had accentuated his brows with so much brown eyebrow pencil that in some ways he suggested a canine version of Groucho Marx.

The pooch first began to giggle, then broke out into full-blown mirth. "No wonder you reacted the way you did. I'm really a sight, aren't I? I look like I ran away to join the circus and the clowns got me."

The cat continued to laugh. "Yeah, either that or they just did a reboot of the ‘Drew Carey Show’ and you got cast as Mimi. I was gonna say Edna Turnblad from ‘Hairspray’, but you’re too dolled up even for that role."

"Sheesh! And here I thought I had this doggy lipstick thing all figured out," Bolt continued to chuckle. "Looks like I’m Lieutenant Tragg instead of Paul Drake on this one."

"The guy in those books who always arrests the wrong suspect that Mason has to get off? Yeah, I think you've got it about right," the cat grinned. "Okay -- c’mon, you crazy goofball. Let's go out into the yard and I’ll wash that gunk off you."

"So, I take it you don't think I'm a vision of loveliness or anything?" snickered the dog.

"Well, that makeover would never get the Kyan Douglas seal of approval," chortled Mittens. "Tone it down a skosh, add a tiara and a tutu, and you might win first prize in ‘RuPaul’s Drag Race’. If they had a canine competition, that is. But it doesn't do a thing for me, honeybunch."

They headed out the doggy door into the yard, still laughing.

4.

Once outside, Mittens turned the hose on Bolt, soaking his face while the two critters methodically scrubbed the little shepherd clean.

"Ugh!" groaned the cat. "Glad we finally got all that war paint off your face. What’d you do, use a trowel to slap it on?"

"Nah -- just went a tad overboard, I think," he replied.

"I'll say," snorted Mittens, shaking her head.

"So anyway," the pooch finally asked. "What was all that about doggy lipstick? What does that mean, anyway? Should I have gone with you to the pet store to get some?"

The cat shot him a seductive look. "I keep forgetting how literally you take things sometimes. Bolt -- let's just say that doggy lipstick is, er… something boy dogs carry around with them all the time. Something about you I like -- a whole lot."

"I don't follow," the little shepherd responded.

Mittens shook her head with a smirk. "Think about it for a minute there, sleuth-meister." She mimed holding a lipstick tube in her paws and gave it an exaggerated twist.

The dog’s puzzled expression remained intact, at least initially. "No -- I still don't really see what you… " The grinning cat raised an eyebrow at Bolt and gave her invisible lipstick a couple more twists. "Oh! Ohhhhh… !" the pooch finally said.

"Aaaand the little light bulb switches on at last," thought Mittens to herself. "Figure it out?" she asked. The cat looked first at Bolt’s lustful face and then down to his twitching sheath.

"This is what you meant, isn't it," said the shepherd in a throaty murmur.

Mittens licked her lips and grinned, still eyeing his now fulsome crotch. "Uh huh. Oh, by the way -- want me to show you another reason why it’s called lipstick… ?"

"Lead the way, babe," replied Bolt as he and the cat scampered gleefully under the porch.


End file.
